


but I am hellbound

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [29]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Feelings, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, in which I deal with Loki's suicide attempt even if Marvel won't, not one of those fics where everything is resolved and okay in the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 11:11:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4826933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't a secret, exactly, but Loki hasn't discussed what exactly happened on the Bifrost with anyone. Neither, for that matter, has Thor. (Takes place immediately after the events of "This Is My Kingdom Come".)</p>
            </blockquote>





	but I am hellbound

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is, more flippantly, "Steve finds out that Loki attempted suicide, and isn't exactly chill with it" because I realized that within the Remember This Cold Steve did not actually know about Loki's suicide attempt at the end of _Thor_ (and that is what it was, fight me) and oh man, I thought, there is a chance for so much angst here. So then I made angst happen, because that's what I do in my spare time, other than dick around on my blog. 
> 
> So, uh, warnings for discussion of suicidal ideation. 
> 
> With thanks to [ameliarating](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com) for betaing this and all my fics. And to the rest of you for patiently putting up with the long wait for...literally everything I have in progress right now.
> 
> This fic includes a variety of callbacks to previous installments. See if you can spot them all!

Thor came by Steve’s apartment two days after they returned from Asgard with a clear bottle of liquid, which he held up. “I thought perhaps you would like to celebrate,” he said, with a smile that looked tired but nonetheless bright. “I have brought back some of the drink of the Elves, which is lighter than what the Aesir love but nonetheless…potent, and thought to share it with you, my friend.”

“I’d be honored,” Steve said without hesitating. “Though I’d better not have much. I haven’t had a hangover in seventy-odd years and I don’t want to start now.”

Thor looked amused and clapped Steve on the shoulder. “Your restraint is admirable, Steve.” He moved into the suite and set the bottle down on Steve’s kitchen counter, rooting through his cabinets for two glasses. He poured a generous amount into each and held one out, which Steve took. “To homecoming,” he said, raising his glass, and Steve echoed him and took a cautious sip.

He expected something like vodka, but the liquor was light and sweet like white wine, and Steve knew he’d need to be careful. “It’s good,” he said, and Thor smiled, looking pleased.

“It is a touch sweet for my tastes,” he said. “But it _is_ good. Loki loved it. The only times I ever saw him overindulge…it was when this was available.” He looked at the bottle, some of his smile slipping away. “I brought back a few, so that…I thought perhaps I would give him one. As a…as a gift. Do you think he would…?” Thor trailed off, looking uncertain.

“I’d wait,” Steve said slowly. “Maybe a week, when…it’s not so fresh. Right now it might just…feel like a reminder.”

Thor nodded. “That…I suppose it might. Thank you, my friend.”

“It’s nothing,” Steve said. He hesitated, then cleared his throat, setting his glass down. “You and Loki…do you think you’ve sorted some things out?”

“Perhaps,” Thor said, and then shook his head. “No…and yes. He does not…he no longer holds me away as much as before, but we have not truly…talked about many things. We will need to, someday, but I am shamed to say that I fear to begin the conversation, because I fear I will do or say something wrong and then…he will be gone again.” Thor looked down into his glass, frowning. “There is so much…I did not understand, about Loki. _Do_ not understand, in truth, and perhaps never will, but I would like to try.”

Steve hesitated, almost feeling like he might be betraying a confidence, but… “He does care about you. A lot.”

Thor smiled, though it looked a little sad. “I know it. When he was not speaking to me, Frigga would say so to me often, and I would tell her that I was less certain, that perhaps he no longer did. I no longer think that. Loki did not tell me why he chose to give himself up to Sif, and I did not ask, but it is clear enough, I think.” He swallowed the rest of his glass, looking pensive, and Steve pulled up a stool and sat down.

“Does that worry you?” He asked. Thor glanced askance at him.

“Does what worry me?”

“That Loki…” Steve hesitated, choosing his words carefully. “That he was so…quick, to give in. To…sacrifice himself.”

“Oh,” Thor said, a shadow falling across his face. “That.” Steve waited, feeling himself tense up. That Thor hadn’t argued – or disagreed – made the vague lingering disquiet solidify into something more certain. “Yes,” Thor said after a long moment. “It worries me. In truth…it frightens me.”

Steve took a deep breath in and let it out. “It reminds me of…what he said, after…Doom. About…following me. I worry that…” He trailed off, not quite willing to voice the thought. Thor set his empty glass down as well, his eyes staring somewhere in the middle distance.

“I never used to fear for Loki’s will to survive,” Thor said quietly. “He was too strong, I thought, to ever…prone to fits of melancholy, but they always passed. But since the first time – since the Bifrost-” He broke off, his hands opening and closing as though trying to grasp something. Steve felt himself tense, a frisson of fear going through him.

“The first time?” He asked.

Thor glanced up, looking startled. “When Loki let go,” he said, and Steve felt like he’d been plunged into a bath of ice water. _Loki let go._ Steve’s breath caught in his chest and suddenly he was very aware of Loki, a few floors above, alone and exiled, everything he’d known stripped away from him. _You do not need to hover over me,_ he’d said, and suddenly Steve wanted to run up and see-

Thor’s expression changed slowly. “You did not know,” he said. Steve shook his head, mute for a moment, struggling to work some moisture into his mouth.

“No,” he croaked, finally. “I…we haven’t talked about it much, what happened, and whenever it’s come up he just says he…fell. But he-”

Thor bowed his head. “I wanted to believe that it was…an accident. That Loki lost his grip, was pulled in by the force of the Void. But I have relived that moment a thousand times and I remember…” Thor trailed off, giving Steve an almost guilty look. Steve swallowed hard.

“Tell me,” he said. He needed to know.

Thor hesitated, then nodded. “Loki was holding on to the end of Gungnir, and I held the other, and our father held me. He was yelling at father, telling him…it doesn’t matter. Father…I don’t remember what he said. I was thinking if I could reach, if I could grab Loki’s hand, but…” Thor took a shuddering breath in. “And then…it was like suddenly he was at peace, all the wildness fading away, all the anger. And then he let go. He was looking at me when he did it, and he never looked away, until he’d fallen too far and I couldn’t see his face.” Thor’s eyes closed. “Perhaps…perhaps he knew he would survive. Perhaps…”

Pieces were shifting around in Steve’s mind, falling into place. Loki’s carelessness about danger. _I would have followed you._ Loki talking about his dreams of falling. _And yet I survived. That_ is _what I do._ The way Loki had been the night before the trial, his near resignation, _I escaped the axe once…if you hold onto me too tightly I will only drag you down._ Loki had admitted to wanting to be hurt. Did he still want to _die?_ Steve felt sick. “You don’t really believe that,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

“No,” Thor said heavily after a moment. “I do not. Steve-”

“He came here,” Steve said, and he could hear the desperation in his voice. “When he could have let the Chitauri kill him – or Doom – he came here instead. That’s good, right? That’s…” He trailed off. “He’s still…alive.”

“He is,” Thor said, after a brief hesitation. “And in all likelihood – we both fear for nothing. I am sorry, Steve, I do not mean to burden you-”

Steve felt sudden shame and shook his head. “It’s not – does anyone else know? Have you talked to anyone else before?”

Thor let out a shuddering breath and shook his head. “No, other than…my mother. I did not feel – it was my concern. My burden. If I had reached further, if I had said something-”

“Thor,” Steve interrupted. “Don’t. There’s…no point.”

“But how did I not see it?” There was something raw, wounded, in Thor’s eyes, and Steve realized that he’d tapped into something barely healed and painful. “How did I not _see_ that Loki was so sore hurt, that he held his life so lightly, that he could – and it is still there, that hurt, and it seems you hold him here but what if-” Thor broke off, but Steve could hear the end of the sentence just the same because it was echoing in his own thoughts. _What if that isn’t enough? What if I’m not enough?_

People had accused Steve of being a martyr before, of not caring enough about his own life, and maybe Steve was willing to make the sacrifice play more than other people, but that wasn’t the same as – as deciding to die. His stomach wouldn’t stop churning. He remembered Loki saying _I hate this flesh, if I could cut it out of me and make it bleed_ and Steve wished he hadn’t drunk any of the Elven liquor because now his head was spinning and he thought he might vomit. _Oh god, Loki._

“You don’t…we never see everything. It’s easy in hindsight,” he made himself say, because it _was_ easy in hindsight, spot the pattern, _Loki held his life so lightly_ and that was the best way to put it, _lightly,_ careless and reckless and Steve caught himself thinking as far back as the invasion, _putting himself right on the front lines, right in our midst with the Hulk he was planning to unleash, like it was all a game_ and he wondered if-

“Steve,” Thor said, and he sounded worried. “Are you…I am sorry. I thought you knew.”

“I should’ve,” Steve said. “I think – I did know, maybe. Not about – not that he’d _tried._ But that it was…there. That he’s…been suicidal.” The word tasted bitter, and it fell into the air like he’d dropped a rock. He’d spoken it now. It felt huge and black and ugly and he didn’t know how to fight it. How to _help._ He had that desire again, to reach into Loki’s head and just…fix whatever was wrong, make whatever was mixed up right, make him _happy._

“As you said,” Thor said after a long moment. “He is still here. That…must count for something.”

“Something,” Steve said. His eyes stung. “Yeah. I guess it does.” He took a deep breath. “Thor… _I’m_ sorry. That you’ve been…carrying this alone, all this time.”

Thor smiled sadly. “I meant to celebrate with you, and I have brought you only grief.”

“It’s good,” Steve made himself say. “I needed…I needed to know. And Thor…it’s not your responsibility. You know that, right? It’s not your fault.”

“My mind tells me that is so,” Thor said, after a moment. “But my heart is slower to agree.”

Steve knew how that felt. He reached out to Thor, squeezed his arm. “If it helps to hear it repeated,” he said, “I can say it as often as you need to hear it.” He wanted to cry, something in him aching like a bruise. _Why didn’t Loki tell me? Did he not think it was important? Was he afraid of what I’d say?_

“We will find a way, Steve,” Thor said, his voice quiet. “To keep Loki safe. Even from himself.”

_And what about if we’re not here,_ Steve thought, even as he took a ragged breath and nodded. _What then? Who protects Loki then, from letting go again?_

* * *

Steve caught himself watching Loki closely, in those early days after their return from Asgard. He knew that nothing had changed, objectively – that Loki was just the same as he had been before Steve had known, but there was fear now, lurking at the back of Steve’s mind. What was Loki thinking when he lingered by the big glass windows of his apartment? Or when he examined one of the kitchen knives after drying it? When Loki’s head tipped back as Steve stroked his hair all Steve could think was how fragile his throat looked, and when he took too long in the shower Steve caught himself thinking stupid melodramatic thoughts about razors and hot water until his heart galloped in his chest.

And yet – Steve knew that wasn’t how Loki would do it, if he…if he did. Not like that. Nothing so deliberate. Loki wouldn’t so much kill himself as let himself die.

Sometimes Steve thought about just asking, _Loki, did you…?_ but he didn’t know what he would do if Loki laughed and lied, _no Steve, I’ve never, why would you think._ He was aware, suddenly, in a new way, of how little held Loki down, and it scared him in a new way. He’d never _liked_ how isolated Loki was, but now he kept thinking _me and Thor, maybe Sam, maybe Bucky, but would Loki actually reach out to either of them or would he just close in on himself._ Loki was – so alone, tethered more loosely than ever to the world.

Steve looked up _suicide_ and _suicidal_ on the internet (prompting an extremely awkward conversation with Tony, which Steve wasn’t sure he’d deflected successfully) and found lists of warning signs that didn’t seem to apply, resources Loki couldn’t use, and a lot of information on depression and its treatment. Steve pictured trying to suggest Loki see a therapist and could almost hear the argument: _you think I’m weak, you think I can’t handle, I will not bare my soul to some unknown Midgardian healer who would not even know what to make of me._

His dreams of Loki’s execution lingered, but now Loki walked willingly to the chopping block, unrestrained. He smiled at Steve before he knelt, small and sad. “All is well, Captain,” dream-Loki said softly, reaching out to touch Steve’s tear-streaked face. “This is what I want.”

* * *

“So,” Steve said, hoping he sounded casual, conversational. He kept his fingers running through Loki’s hair, hoping that would help keep him relaxed. “You don’t talk much about what happened.”

“What happened when?” Loki sounded faintly amused, his smile wry. “Vagueness as a form of diplomacy only works when it is intelligible.”

Steve felt his face warm, but at least Loki didn’t sound wary, or upset. That might change with his next words. “Between you and Thor,” he said. “Before you ran into the Chitauri.”

He felt Loki go still, not even breathing, for the space of a moment. Then he exhaled, long and loudly. “Why would I have,” he said, voice bland and neutral. “It is past and done with, and hardly a thrilling tale. Certainly not one that shows me at my best.”

“That may be true,” Steve said carefully, so carefully. “But it’s about you just the same, isn’t it?”

“You could ask Thor,” Loki said. Steve was surprised by how little anger was in Loki’s voice. He didn’t seem to be spoiling for the fight Steve had half expected: mostly he just sounded tired. “No doubt he would tell it better, being the hero of the piece.” There, faint bitterness, ever so brief. Steve hesitated a moment too long and Loki exhaled a soft laugh. “Ah. You already have.”

“Thor’s my friend,” Steve said, feeling defensive, but Loki waved a hand.

“No need to apologize,” he said, but he pulled away from Steve as he did so, sitting up straight. “I do not…well, perhaps I mind a little, but I am aware that is unfair. And now that I consider it, Thor’s telling is probably kinder to me than I would deserve.” Loki looked at Steve, his eyebrows raised. “So what is it you want to know from me?”

Steve hadn’t been prepared for that question to come so directly. In his mind, he’d steered things carefully around to the subject of Loki’s fall, slowly and a little bit at a time. Of course, conversations with Loki almost never went the way Steve planned them. “I want…” _I want to know if you were trying to kill yourself when you fell._ “Thor says…” No, that would only make Loki upset with Thor. Steve swallowed hard and reached for Loki. “It’s nothing. Can you come back here?”

Loki’s eyebrows furrowed and he frowned. “It clearly is not. What did Thor say?” Steve could hear the wariness creeping into his voice. “Perhaps I spoke too soon about his charitability.”

Steve shook his head quickly. “It’s not like that.” He caught himself picturing it again, how it might’ve looked, that beautiful rainbow bridge broken and hanging off the end… “Just – can you come here?”

“You are worrying me,” Loki said after a moment, but he shifted back to lean against Steve, and Steve pulled him close and buried his nose in Loki’s hair.

“Loki,” Steve said quietly. “When the Bifrost broke, and you fell. Were you…did you think you were going to die?”

That little hitch and pause in Loki’s breathing lasted longer, this time. And then Loki breathed out, but quietly, this time, barely a sigh. “Ah. So that is what Thor said.” His voice was quiet, and so very, carefully neutral. Steve hadn’t realized until Loki said it that he had hoped for a denial, had hoped…he heard himself make a small, wounded sound. Loki’s fingers brushed his hand, very briefly. “Would you believe me if I told you I had a plan? That I knew there were places to slip through, that my magic would hold me until I could find one?”

Steve shook his head, his vision blurring. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I did not even think Thor knew,” Loki said. He sounded almost thoughtful. “I assumed he believed…he never mentioned it, and I thought perhaps the shame had made him deny what he saw.” Steve bit his lip and squeezed his eyes closed. “But – why would he tell you?” Some frustration seeped into Loki’s voice. “He must have known it would only cause you pointless pain-”

“He thought I knew,” Steve interrupted. “And I – why _didn’t_ I know? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it is not important,” Loki said, and Steve flinched and opened his mouth. Loki shook his head. “No, I do not mean – why should I have? There is no use in bringing such things up. You cannot change the past. You hurt, and you need not. This was not a burden you needed to bear.”

“Not a – Loki,” Steve said, anguished. “You tried to kill yourself. That’s the kind of thing I should _know._ ”

“It was not like that,” Loki protested.

“Then what was it like?” Steve demanded, lifting his head and turning Loki’s face to his. “ _Tell_ me. Tell me what…” _Tell me why. Tell me that you’re safe now, that you’re_ fine.

Loki stared at him for a long moment, blinking only once. Then he sighed. “I did not expect it to happen,” he said. “I did not think Thor would shatter the Bifrost. When he did – I slipped, we both slipped. I fell faster, but grabbed the first thing I found – the All-Father’s spear. I held on but I could not pull myself up.” Loki licked his lips. “You have to understand…everything was gone. Ruined. My plan was in ashes. Thor was returned, and I was certain he hated me – would kill me, given the chance, especially once he knew what I was. True, I had killed Laufey, but he had nearly killed the All-Father – and that was my fault as well.” Loki paused, took a breath. “Odin…he caught us. And I looked up at his face and all I could think was that if only I could show him what I had been trying to do…”

Loki trailed off. He rocked, slightly; Steve didn’t think he noticed he was doing it. “No, Loki,” he murmured, and Steve blinked before he realized: “That was what he said. All he said. ‘No, Loki.’ And I knew…I could feel the last possibility of hope die.”

Steve realized that he was holding his breath and made himself breathe, slowly, in and out. “Loki,” he said, his voice hoarse. Loki didn’t look at him.

“So there I was,” he said. “I could feel the Void tugging at me. Singing to me. It does that, you know – if you have magic, you can hear the way it sings, the music of the universe. It is beautiful.” A very small tremor ran through Loki’s body. “I remember thinking… _so what now?_ I could have waited: Odin would have pulled us up. But then what? And I couldn’t think of anything. I couldn’t think of a single reason to go back. All I wanted to do was…stop.” Loki shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t even remember…letting go. It was just…letting my hand relax. The easiest thing in the world, like floating with a river rather than swimming against it. And the moment I did it – it was such a _relief._ It was over, it was all over and I didn’t have to be afraid anymore.” Loki was crying, Steve realized. Silent tears rolling down his face. Steve’s own face felt wet and he was fairly sure he was crying too. “Of course – that wasn’t how it worked out.” Loki’s laugh was strangled and awful. “And ultimately…I am glad that it didn’t. Of course. But then…”

Loki trailed off and fell silent. Steve sucked in a breath that felt like it hurt his throat. “I’m glad too,” he made himself say. “That you’re here.” He could feel himself holding onto Loki too tightly, but didn’t feel like he had the ability to loosen his grip. _Everything was gone._ (Loki’s voice, blurry and half asleep, _I would have followed you._ ) “Oh god,” he said, choking. “Loki-”

“Shhh,” Loki said, his voice soft. “Steve…it is over. It already happened. You did not even know me.”

Steve squeezed his eyes closed. “Had you ever…before? Thought about it, I mean. About dying.”

“Doesn’t everyone?” Loki’s voice sounded too carefully casual, and Steve waited. “I…suppose. Yes. When I was a child I used to think _what if I stayed under this water too long and,_ and I’d imagine what people would say at my funeral. Sometimes they would be kind, in my imaginings. Sometimes they were cruel.” Steve felt Loki shrug. “But it was childish melodrama, that is all.”

“Was it?” Steve asked. He thought he was going to start sobbing. His chest _ached._ “Was that _all?_ ”

“Sometimes children tend toward the morbid.”

“Loki,” Steve said. “Don’t.” Loki fell quiet and Steve took several harsh breaths, trying to calm himself. “So you – you weren’t thinking about it. Before that moment, you didn’t know…didn’t intend…”

Loki was quiet for a moment. “Well,” he said finally. “I do not know. It is…hard to say.”

Steve made himself swallow and turn his head and look at his lover, made himself speak though his tongue felt heavy and thick. “What do you mean?”

Loki’s gaze was distant. “Since then, I have wondered…when Thor and I fought, there was a glimmer at the back of my mind that whispered _how fitting it would be if he struck you down._ I did not _intend…_ but if Thor had flung Mjolnir at me with all his might I am not certain I would not have hesitated, just a moment too long.” Loki’s mouth ticked up at one corner. “I do not _want_ to die. Not exactly. It is more…sometimes there were moments when I danced in front of Death like a lure, to see if she would bite, and knowing I would not be disappointed if she called my bluff.”

Steve took a shuddering breath in and let it out in a sob. “There _were_ moments?” He said, with careful emphasis. “Or – are?”

Loki was quiet for just a moment too long and Steve felt it like a stab in the chest. The sound he made was almost a keen, soft and hurting and animal. Loki looked down and away. “I would not,” Loki said. “I told you. I would not do that to you.”

_I am so tired,_ Loki had said, in that cell on Asgard. _And it would be so easy to let go._

“Is that the only reason?” Steve asked, feeling his throat close. Loki did not answer, and Steve shuddered. “Loki. Is that the only reason? Am I-” He felt a rush of terror, _what about when I’m not enough, what about if something happens to me, what about-_

“No,” Loki said, his voice rough. “Not…the only reason. But when the dark closes in and the world loses its savor…not wanting to hurt you is something that I can hold onto.”

_You need help,_ Steve knew he should say. _Someone to talk to, Loki, tell me what I can do to help you,_ but he couldn’t. Instead, he started crying in earnest, ugly sobs that blurred his vision and made his stomach and chest clench tight. Loki was holding him and Steve felt the sting of shame for falling apart when it was _Loki_ who was – who on some level _wanted to die_ (wanted to leave him, a selfish, awful part of Steve thought, but he shut it down). “Shh,” Loki was saying, softly. “Captain. Steve. It is all right. I am sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Steve managed to say. “You don’t have to apologize. I love you. _I’m_ sorry.”

Loki’s breathing stuttered for just a moment. “For what? For your pain?” He felt Loki shake his head. “I do not hold that against you.”

Steve pressed his face into Loki’s shoulder, breathing in the smell of him. Thought about all the many, many near misses, all the ways Loki could be not here, now, with him. Loki, holding on so lightly. “I love you,” he said again. One of Loki’s hands rose and stroked Steve’s hair, almost hesitant. Gently, like he was fragile.

“And I you,” Loki said, and what Steve thought was _let that be enough. Please let that be enough._


End file.
